They Think They're Wonderful
by Meer-Katnip
Summary: Ten girls that never made it into the Doctor Who fanfiction archive. (Mercilessly mocking the clichès around here.)


**Clichè One- The All-Powerful 'Sue**

There once was a girl named Momo who was truly amazing. She could do everything perfectly, and was strong enough to bring down several very large sweaty men at the same time with one hand. Without even getting dirty.

She could summon unicorns and magical sparkly fairies from alternate dimensions and frequently did. She could also sing like an angel.

One day, she discovered she had two hearts, and met the Doctor.

"Can I come with you?" she asked.

"No," he said.

She summoned a few unicorns. "But, look!" she protested. "I'm amazing!"

But by that time he had left.

* * *

**Clichè Two- Relative of Companions**

"Look at me!" declared Lydia Sophia Sarah Tyler. "I just saved the school from certain death and destruction, I also can see the future and am the great granddaughter of your two favorite companions!"

"Sarah Jane and Rose?" the Doctor asked. "How are you the great granddaughter of _both _of them?"

"I don't know," Lydia Sophia shrugged. "It just does."

The Doctor looked at her. "...and?"

"And you have to obviously take me as a companion now."

"Why?"

"Because you just _do._"

"I think you're annoying."

She gaped in shock as the sound of the TARDIS dematerializing echoed around her.

* * *

**Clichè Three- Insane Rabid Doctor Fangirl**

"OH MY GOD YOU'RE THE DOCTOR YOU'RE SO HOT I WANT TO MARRY YOU AND HAVE YOUR BABIES," yelled the insane little brown brunette fangirl, crashing sideways into the Doctor.

He looked down at her. "...uh..."

"MARRY ME."

"I'm just going to... sort of... back away now...?"  
"I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN DUMP ROSE AND RIVER AND COME WITH ME."

"You're creepy."

"I KNOW, BUT I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN."

He sighed, and pushed her away. "Do you always have to scream?"

"YES, YES I DO!"

While she was screaming, he went to go somewhere else.

* * *

**Clichè Four- Sister of Companion**

Ebony Oswald was Clara Oswald's sister who had conveniently been left out of the last two seasons. She was staying over at her sister's house for the Christmas holidays, and was reading a book on the sofa, when she heard an odd wheezing noise.

"Hello, I'm the Doctor," said an old-looking man.

"Can I travel with you?" Ebony asked instantly. He stared at her.

"I just _met _you."

"But you're so obviously my hero and my future husband," she fawned. He frowned.

"Where's Clara?"

"She's just next door- hey, where are you going?"

The front door slammed as she turned.

* * *

**Clichè Five- Last of Their Kind**

"I am the last of my kind," said Gwendolyn proudly. "And you're the only one who can save me. I'm also headstrong, independent, and self-assured."

"But if you're independant," the Doctor pointed out. "Why do you need me?"

"Because you're the only one that can save me."

"Yes, but _why?_"

"You're the only one that can save me," she said again.

He sighed. "I'm beginning to sense some repetition here..."

"You're the only one that can save me."

And so it was that Gwendolyn's kind died out fully after a small-scale homicide committed by the Last of the Time Lords.

* * *

**Clichè Six- Time Lady That Escaped Gallifrey**

By some startling coincidence, one Time Lady managed to survive the Time War that was meant to be unsurvivable. And _somehow_, even though the universe is absolutely massive and there's also the whole of Time as well, she managed to run into the Doctor.

"I'm River Song, _and _Romana, _and _the second cousin once removed of your TARDIS as well," she explained perfectly happily.

"That makes no sense," said the Doctor, folding his arms.

"It does!" River-Romana-TARDIS-cousin exclaimed. "Just because you aren't as smart as me-"

The TARDIS ejected her out into the Vortex. She died a suitably nasty death.

* * *

**Clichè Seven- The Doctor's Daughter**

Mayjfkels was the Doctor's daughter, despite the fact that he had never met her (or her mother) in any of his lives. She somehow expected him to believe her, too.

"The thing is," he said calmly. "You're not my daughter. For one thing, I can't pronounce your name."

"Maujfkels," said Mayjfkels promptly.

"And for another," he continued as if he hadn't heard. "You don't have two hearts."

"Yes, I do!"

"No, you don't," he replied, holding up a stethoscope to her chest. She listened.

_Ba-dum. Ba-dum._

Only one.

"Oh," she said. "Well. Um."

"Yes."

"Well... that sucks."

"For you."

"Yeah."

* * *

**Clichè Eight- Finds Out She's Secretly a Time Lady**

Diamond Sparkle Brilliant stared at the fob watch in her hands. She didn't want to open it... but she did, at the same time. It would let her meet the Doctor, after all. Her one true love.

She would be a Time Lady, but she would lose all the things that made her human.

It was a true dilemma.

Diamond thought she could hear the whispers coming from the watch. Her hands trembled as she began to open it, and she finally flicked it all the way open.

Nothing happened.

It was a perfectly normal fob watch.

Diamond swore loudly.

* * *

**Clichè Nine- The Doctor at a Fan Convention**

"What do you _mean_, I'm a TV show," the Doctor demanded. "That makes absolutely no sense!"  
One hundred eyes turned towards him.

"He's the real thing," whispered one fangirl. And then, the queen of the Fangirls rose from their depths and leaned in to passionately kiss the Doctor.

"Get back!" the Time Lord ordered, thrusting his sonic screwdriver forwards. "Honestly, ladies, I'm _not interested._"

That didn't stop all one hundred and thirty six fangirls from simultaneously glomping him. And then he regenerated from asphyxiation and they all died from too much artron energy.

It was completely and absolutely tragic, probably.

* * *

**Clichè Ten- Extraordinarily Stupid Long Name**

"My name is Maria Isabel Sebastian Pelayo Fernando Francisco de Paula Pio Miguel Rafael Juan José Joaquin Ana Zacarias Elisabeth Simeón Tereso Pedro Pablo Tadeo Santiago Simon Lucas Juan Mateo Andrès Bartolomé Ambrosio Geronimo Agustin Bernardo Candido Gerardo Luis-Gonzaga Filomeno Cayetano Joaquin-Picolimini Felipe Luis-Rey-de-Francia Ricardo Esteban-Protomartir Genaro Nicolas Estanislao-de-Koska Lorenzo Vicente Crisostomo Cristano Dario Ignacio Francisco-Javier Francisco-de Borja Higona Clemente Esteban-de-Hungria Ladislado Enrique Ildefonso Hermenegildo Carlos-Borromoeo Eduardo Francisco-Régis Vicente-Ferrer Pascual Miguel-de-los-Santos Adriano Venancio Valentin Benito José-Oriol Domingo Florencio Alfacio Benére Domingo-de-Silos Ramon Isidro Manuel Antonio de Todos los Santos de Borbón."

But by that point, the Doctor had already left.


End file.
